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I went no contact with my nMom a year ago and have never felt better

A little over a year ago I hit my breaking point with my mom. She’s a master of manipulation. I didn’t really understand her actions as abuse until my mid-20’s. To this day I still struggle to put some of her actions into words.
The emotional and mental abuse started turning into downright physical abuse- she began choking me. This was my first wake up call. I then found out about a huge lump of debt she accrued in my name, this ended up being the final straw. I realized she didn’t care about me at all and just saw me as a tool to get what she wanted. Everything started adding up and I knew that I couldn’t live like that anymore, I wasn’t living my own life, I didn’t really feel like a full person.
I didn’t have anywhere to go. I didn’t have enough money to move anywhere, but I knew I had to leave. I confronted her over dinner one night, let her lash out and tell me she would die without me. I began throwing away everything in my room and packing the basics through the course of a week. Her screaming and threats continued, followed by total shifts of her acting sweet and trying to bargain a deal with me to stay a little longer. I would put my foot down and the temper tantrum would start all over again.
I asked a couple friends if I could stay with them and start renting a room at their place when I got on my feet but it never turned into anything. I was lucky enough to have a huge office space at my university and moved in there. It was perfect, there was a shared kitchen I could store a little food in, showers at the gym, and a bus service that could take me to work. A few nights a week my partner would pick me up to sleep at his place and I would have a hot meal and comfy bed to sleep in. I started seeing a therapist on campus to try and sort out my thoughts.
I eventually landed a much better job and got my drivers license and got a place with my partner and his mom. For a long time after leaving my mom I felt panicked and unsure of everything. I basically didn’t know how to adult, but I learned.
The world wasn’t nearly as scary as she made it out to be. She sheltered me- I almost never got to go to my friends house when I was a kid to see how normal families worked, I wasn’t allowed to use the computer until I was in high school, and even then it was monitored. She would check my messages and try to manage my friendships. She convinced me to drop most of my friends over time. When I got to collage I had a little more freedom and knew the things she did made me feel terrible but at that point thought that was normal. She still constantly called me and texted me asking where I was and would throw a fit if I tried to hang out with anyone outside of her. Being a full time student and have a job that required me to be there 50 hours a week made for very little free time, anyway. People who haven’t lived this really underestimate the power of years and years of mental abuse and manipulation. People have asked me how I could be so educated and so stupid at the same time, and it’s because I wasn’t educated on forms of abuse. I didn’t know what gaslighting was or have an outside perspective on what was happening to me. This was my life, and after getting away from my dad who was physically and sexually violent, I felt safe with my mom. It was always just her and I.
Now that I’m away from it I feel so good and will never look back. I began finding my own personality and hobbies. Apparently I’m all the things my mom said I wasn’t- people tell me I’m funny, talented, and attractive. My mom made me feel like the a weak, dormant person and constantly commented/ made fun of my looks. I’ve worked on building friendships with people who are just fantastic! My partners mom is more a mom to me than anything. Life is pretty good.
I just want people to know that no matter how bad your abuser makes you feel that you are 100% capable and deserving of the life you want. You can leave and you can be happy. It will be hard at first but things can get better. You don’t owe anything to someone who abuses you, not even a family member.
Kudos to anyone who read this entire thing. I just wanted to share my story. I’m still working on a lot of things and haven’t figured it all out yet, but damn it feels good to get out.
submitted by ___vivid__ to raisedbynarcissists

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