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what crim as what pony committed?
we know their cute but not even the CMC are truly innocent
disturbing the peace
theft(see comic issue 15 they steal wood and tools constantly amongst other things)
sabotage(see bad seed)
doxing and slander(see foal free press)
animal cruelty(see just for sidekicks)
Am I missing anything? I want to make a list of what pony is guilty of what...(ps don't know how to edit the title crimes not crim?)
End of tour highlights and refraction's TLDR: I worked for a rapist.
- Having a future felon as my very first supervisor. This guy was weird, even for an enlisted serf. Rarely bathed, looked like Sling Blade, and married to a stereotype dependa who ran up credit card debt in his name, this guy raised every flag as a potential active shooter. He was also accused by an aircrew member of watching pornography and masturbating in the Flight Kitchen. The accusation was never substantiated, but he was removed from night shift and never left alone again. Thankfully, he never killed anybody, but after finally being administratively separated from the Air Force, he did get tried and convicted for the seductions and statutory rape of a minor. They we're travelling the east coast in a car like Humbert Humbert and Lolita, but the police report also said they had a baby doll so they could practice raising it. This set the tone for my supervisors in the Air Force.
- Following up on felons I was close to, my first suite mate at my first official base makes the reel. During a 4-month period in which I deployed a crim investigation found that the semi-functioning alcoholic who lived next to me had been drugging and raping men and women from all over the base. It was a pretty open and shut case with him getting 40 years in Leavenworth. Of course, tasteless as ever, this led to speculations among the dorm lads over whether or not I had been violated, with a few inappropriate jokes being made. Quite thrilling.
- For the super-criminal villain hat-trick I also worked with a Staff Sergeant who would go on to become a high-profile Military Training Instructor in the sexual harassment/rape scandal that broke out of Lackland a few years later. The TI would go on to hang himself in prison. As an added bonus, the very first Airman I supervised had him as an MTI in basic. Small world.
- At my first base, there was a person in the squadron who threw legendary parties throughout the summer. This often led to debauchery and promiscuous behavior, but never more so than on Halloween. One year the party got so out of hand I ended up walking through his front yard naked. Also there was an orgy and for some reason someone brought their baby to it.
- One time I attempted to introduce some levity back into the Squadron during the Air Force's crackdown on indecent/inappropriate material in the work place. After a full sweep of the building had been made, including witch hunts for Maxim magazines in the restroom stalls, I purchased a gag book on Amazon titled "How to live with an Exceptionally Large Penis". It was 100 or so pages and featured hilarious gags like paper-rulers and cut out diameters that would tell you just how difficult your life would be based on the girth of your masculine aparatus. Sadly, it didn't last much more than an hour and the next Commander's call alluded to lewd and provocative material. Some humor just goes over people's heads.
- I PCS'd to a new base where our office was set to move locations. My supervisor attempted to saddle me with DRMO'ing hundreds of pieces of equipment. Stuff that I didn't care about. Stuff that'd been neglected for years. I'm American I don't pay for other people's mistakes. When they kept pressing me to get rid of the equipment, and scorned the idea of just letting it get demolished with the old building, I did the expedient manuever: procured a golf cart and a map of the base, charted the locations of every dumpster, and once a week took the cart, full of equipment, and strategically chucked it in the trash where it's undocumented serial numbers became anybodies problem but mine. You better believe my EPR credits me for the DRMO and if you traced my route on the map it would have made a smiley face.
- I once took part in an utterly mad and fruitless 14-day exercise. This was the culmination of the sheer goofiness that possessed the leaders at Osan Air Base at the time who seemed obsessed with making everything bigger, longer, and more excruciating. Note that as a Public Affairs writephotographer, my role during an exercise is often laughably irrelevant to what it would be in a real world emergency so putting together moronic powerpoints and useless PDF newsletters gets old real quick. By day 11 or so I wasn't even tasking my Airmen with any assignments. We pretended the floor was lava and tried to navigate around the office balancing on a dumbbell and took bets on who could last the longest. Warrior culture at its finest.
- It was around this same time that I saw my first dead body. Sadly, self-harm, existential depression, and suicide was a serious problem during my time in the Air Force and I saw the consequences of them first hand, personally and professionally. Maybe even more sadly, after you photograph more than one of these kinds of scenarios it's pretty easy to get desensitized to it and just becomes a clinical and procedural thing to do.
- More light-heartedly, since I lived off-base during my time at Osan, I took to mocking all of the peons who had to line up to get back onto base as curfew approached. While I strolled to my cozy bungalow with ridiculously high-speed internet and easy to clean leather furniture, I would send my best wishes to anyone who had to turn toward the dreaded line at the gate. A line that I nicknamed "The Trail of Tears" since everyone on it would be herded, probably against their will, to a reservation (The "E" club, with an "E" in parenthesis because you'd be just as likely to see some disgusting 40-year-old officer there as you would an enlisted person) where they'd become disproportionately affected by alcohol dependency, lack of family planning, government support, and STIs.
- In what may be a career low, me and a peer once had to pick up, escort, and photograph a cardboard cutout of Admiral Locklear (then retiring PACOM Commander) so the photos could be used for a slide show at his retirement party. The idea, which likely originated from some ass-kissing exec at headquarters, was to make the unknown and uncared for Admiral be similar to Flat Stanley. It never took off for some reason. As part of our official duties, we picked this 6-foot-tall cardboard sailor up from the flightline, took him to the gate, and flirted with the idea of photographing him in downtown Songtan with the infamous Sally before thinking better of it and fucking off to not do work somewhere else. Did make John Q. Public's page though. Lots of laughs.
- I once worked for an officer who was so inept she got tricked by an online prank and ended up sending a pornographic GIF to everyone in the office group chat. The GIF was of an obese man with an unusually large penis swinging his glory around like a whirlgig. I didn't see it myself since I left that useless group chat months earlier, but one of my Airmen said the guy's penis was as big as Dirk Digler's prostetic in Boogie Nights.
- Near the height of my schism with leadership at my last assignment, my supervisor was desperately trying to give me a "Come to Jesus" talk and get me to settle down and assimilate with my leadership's expectations. It's a long story, but this led to a humorous exchange where I told my SNCO supervisor that she was Neville Chamberlain to my Winston Churchill (right down to smoking too many cigars, drinking too much, and being a bit cantankerous). She didn't find it as funny as I did, but it was a good line. My therapist seemed to think so too.
- As a writer, it's part of my job to train my Airmen on grammar and technique. As a person who also loves studying language, conjugating verbs in all their forms is a lot of fun. Finally, the word cuckold may be the funniest one ever, so why not combine duty with love and humor? Me and one of my Airmen conjugated the verb "to cuckold" in the office one day, and by the time we got to the present perfect (Gerund) section, the Lieutenant in our office became so disheveled he bolted from his office and asked what we were up to. "Training," I said, and we went back to conjugating as dutifully as Franciscan monks.
- Later on I witnessed this same Airmen completely emasculate this Lieutenant in front of our MAJCOM Functionals (a LT. Col and CMSgt). During beach volleyball he literally bucked up on the officer, yelling "Shut the fuck up LT, I will choke you the fuck out". I got a laugh out of that too.
- For 4 days straight I drove passed the carcass of a hog with rigamortis immediately inside the front gate of my base.
- I worked with an Airman who would literally spend hours sitting in the bathroom. It became so odd I ever authored a semi-fictional account of the events on Reddit, with all of these posts being cited as evidence in a Command Directed Investigation determining whether or not I lived up to the little brown book's expectations for Air Force NCOs. Needless to say I got huge kick out of a General Officer, Investigator, and my entire chain of command reading my fugue and riffs on enlisted life, anonymous sex culture, human bondage in Guatemala, and STIs.
- Before the aforementioned CDI, I had to explain to OSI that I had not, in fact, ever water-boarded anyone. It seems the leadership team in my office was so "concerned" about an obvious shit post I made on reddit. Fun times. Post what you want on social media. Fuck 'em.
- Ingratiate yourself to people. It's more important than being technically skilled (although this is necessary as well). The way you make people feel is going to be way more important for your progression than anything else.
- That said, it'll always be more important to ingratiate yourself to your superiors, rather than your peers or subordinates. So long as your rating system stays the way it is, there's no escaping this.
- Stop asking why. Just stop. You don't wanna know. The best possible answer is someone doesn't explain and says "Because I said so". Far worse are the bloated and nauseating explanations and circle jerks that may as well be "Because I said so". People are just animals. They're not rational. Not bound by logic. Stop asking why and you'll eventually stop wondering why. Then you're halfway to a pension, VFW membership, and passionless GS job.
- Don't stop expanding your skillset. If you only have one or two tricks, you'll be type-casted real quick.
- Get used to always lurching from one barely solved disaster to the next. The system is too big to function smoothly so it's better to embrace the fact that there will always be chaos. Your leaders usually know a lot less than they let on.
- At the same time know that expanding technology is also expanding, not retracting, the work center. Expect to put more time on the job, both in the office and at home. Every technological innovation or breakthrough in my 11 years, without fail, has contributed to the shrinking gap between work and outside of work. It's not turning around any time soon.
- Know that sometimes you just gotta be lucky. Seriously, with the right people and support almost anyone can become a super star in the enlisted force (most "superstars" are pure propaganda anyway). On the other side with the wrong people and lack of support, almost anyone can become a dirtbag. Keep this in mind and know that sometimes you're just gonna catch a bad break and not be too haughty when you happen to catch good ones.
- Implement 360-degree feedback. It needs to be nuanced and rolled out thoughtfully, but having supervisors, leaders, and commanders actually have their ratings affected by how they're rated by their peers and subordinates can work wonders with combating some of the more fetid management practices that are not only tolerated but rewarded in the current force. It'll never be perfect, nothing will, but to me it's a clear win over the kind of system we have now.
- Leaders need to acknowledge that paperwork, LOCs, LORs etc. ARE in fact punitive tools used to negatively affect someone's career. They should be given out with much more restraint. Even more so, the standard for giving these documents needs to be dramatically heightened. As it stands, a person in a supervisory position can scribble a counselling and reprimand without any burden of proof or scrutiny. Likewise the ridiculous trend of everyone keeping memorandums and notes on everyone else seriously needs to be discouraged. I've never once encountered a leader who does this kind of stuff that's not doing it out of some perverse quest to inflict as much harm on others as possible. The fear-mongering idea that without micro-managing and petty memorandums a less than average performer will be allowed to wallow in the service for 20 years and get a pension is an unsubstantiated reason to encourage this rotten and destructive management practice. I'd rather work with 100 mediocre and lazy folks than for someone who thinks keeping a journal on everyone they come into contact with is a best practice.
- Where it's possible, the force should implement flexible work schedules. This isn't going to work for everyone, but so much of my 11 years was spent sitting on my ass without anything LEGITIMATE to do. Busy work like making graphics for a Command Chief's farewell gift or designing plaques doesn't count as legitimate. Allowing people, where possible, the flexibility to take care of themselves, their families, and business would be a huge win.
- Of course, convincing leaders to knock off with the nonsense and only focus on what's meaningful is a whole other conversation, but a serious effort needs to be made to combat this noxious idea that "you're always on the clock" in the force. This merely emboldens idiots who hate their families, are hated by their families, or generally have no lives to inflict misery on anyone unfortunate enough to be underneath them. Some things require a round the clock presence. Most don't.
- Leaders at all levels need to embrace the creedo of being harder on themselves, and easier on others. So much of the stupidity I encountered could be solved if people actually held themselves to a higher standard.